I am not optimistic about my potential to actually use my PhD for its intended purpose, which is “policy research” because I can assure you any policy suggestions I would make in the next four years are 1) not going to be funded and 2) going to be actively ignored and/or mocked and/or land me in prison. The future is wide open and scary, on every level. Nostalgia feels nicer than anticipation because at least with the past, we already know how the story ended. Nevertheless, I have a lot of hope for the future. I know that there are literally millions of people who are not going to just sit around while America burns to the ground. In many ways, I feel grateful that I am in a position where I can do whatever I think needs to be done because I got the big selfish credential oriented goal out of the way.
1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?
I saw a manatee in the wild. I was fully immersed in the Southern California punk rock scene. I voted for a woman to be the president. I earned a PhD. I slept in a yurt.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution for 2016 was to be more avant-garde, which I defined as being more purposefully creative and less bourgeois. I also wanted to continue my 2015 New Year’s resolution to take care of myself. Only half-jokingly, my New Years resolution was also to see Courtney Barnett, Tacocat, and Nele Needs a Holiday in concert.
Being more avant-garde was a New Years resolution that required constant re-evaluation, and honestly brought me into some pretty dark places. In the spring in particular, before I got serious about writing my dissertation, I somewhat intentionally inserted myself into the brooding artsy underground, and discovered that it can be sort of dangerous there. It can also be hella fun. It depends on whether or not the person you are interacting with has a good heart, which I suppose is how it is in all parts of life. Mostly though, being avant-garde, requires a lot of work to produce something original, and it is not always fun. I don’t think my dissertation is particularly avant-garde (although it is certainly “radical” as far as its politics go), but viewing it as my own personal project and contribution to the world was really my only motivation to make it through the process.
As for the concert related resolutions, I saw Courtney Barnett and felt like my heart would explode with happiness. I saw Tacocat TWICE, which was unexpected, but amazing. The first time I saw Tacocat was so cute and fun, and the second time I saw Tacocat, which was the only concert I saw in the middle of my socially isolated, intense period of dissertation writing, restored my soul and made me feel alive again. I did not see Nele Needs a Holiday because I had to make sacrifices to get a PhD, and that was one of them.
I have actually been spending the last few weeks going through a very elaborate, methodical approach to develop my 2017 resolution/theme/goals. Here is what I landed on: I recently read about the performance artist Linda Montano, who did a project where she lived a year for every chakra, and it makes a lot of sense next year for me to have a “root chakra” year where I focus on creating a sense of stability and groundedness. Some specific goals I have include prioritizing my health by exercising regularly, eating healthy foods, learning to cook, meditating daily, developing a regular sleep schedule appropriate for the time zone in which I live, and going back to doing yoga regularly. Honestly, for a couple of months, I need to prioritize my health over absolutely everything else in my life, including finding a job. I understand that this makes me a privileged princess, but honestly, I probably can’t express enough how much I really need to focus on taking care of my physical body for a while. Along with this general idea, I want to create an intentional balanced life, where I contribute to society, take care of my children (which is both separate from and related to “contributing to society” as I define it), and am a happy, carefree person. I plan on doing a lot of journaling, planning out my weeks/months with themes and goals, networking, and organizing my life so that I can be a more functional person in the future. I also want to prioritize enjoying my life and fostering a sense of solidarity and connectedness. Basically, I had to neglect many aspects of my life in order to finish my dissertation, and I need to intentionally counterbalance that situation for a while. Another concrete (but subordinate) goal for the year is that I want to make enough money to pay back my student loans. I am most afraid of inertia and getting discouraged, since I am essentially starting a “real” adult life from scratch, in a political system that is working VERY counter to my goals. My mantra for the year (which I guess is my resolution) is: Be healthy. Contribute to society. Keep it fun. My theme for the year is CREATE, and my ways of being are rooted, fiery, open, intentional, and playful. I made a vision board:
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I have a new niece named Claire! (Kate gave birth to her.) Liz had a baby too, as did Evan.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Two of my friends, Leandra and Jessica, suffered devastating losses of their partners, and my heart totally broke for both of them. My cousins’ (Brian, Tim, and Nate) grandfather died. Also, all of the celebrities died. All of them. There is no one talented left in the world. Or…like twenty celebrities died, probably not that many more than usual, but the Internet freaked out about it every time, and so it just seemed like a lot of people died.
5. Did anyone close to you get married?
My second cousin Tony got married. My parents went to the wedding, but I was WRITING.
6. What countries and/or states did you visit?
I did not leave the country. My passport expired in May, and I renewed it on Election Day, as a half joke that I might need to flee the country if Donald Trump was elected.
I went to Florida in February, theoretically to write, in the sunshine, without distraction. Instead, I was SICK, coughing, unable to sleep, unable to write, and physically miserable. The experience was extremely contemplative. I walked along the Gulf of Mexico every night to watch the sun set, hoping that the ocean air would heal me. I thought a lot about being old (because I was basically the only person under the age of 60) and being alone (because I was, by design). I listened to Nothing Compares to You by Sinead O’Connor (and also the original Prince version) a LOT. It’s safe to say I was obsessed, but I say with all sincerity and paradox therein entailed, I loved that no one else was there to be annoyed and tell me I shouldn’t do it.
Eliot and I went to Rhode Island for Valentine’s Day, and the entire family went back in August for Water Fire and Audra’s birthday.
I visited California, twice. It was the first time that I had been to southern California since I decided not to move there at the age of 17. Southern California is my unknown, unchartered, alternate life path, and during my first trip, I loved walking that path for a few days, even though I knew in the back of my heart that it was all just pretend. I really felt like that is where I belong, if only it meant I wouldn’t have to give up my beautifully complex life in Boston. Eliot and I semi-seriously talked about moving to California for a few weeks, but it quickly became apparent that would not be happening. So, I went back to California, to visit. On my second trip, I discovered that the trees in San Diego are all purple (yes PURPLE!) in May. I went to ocean side cliffs and dive bars on the beach and saw, right along with the real-life So-Cal punk scene, Pennywise play their album UNKNOWN ROAD in it’s entirety. You know that dark dangerous part of the brooding artsy underground I referred to before? Insert that here, too. In short, I am happy to be on my current road. I still might move to California one day.
I also brought my children to New Jersey to visit Sarah and Sofia. We visited Central Park on the way home, and we also ate lunch at a delightful vegan café, which made both of my children positively miserable. We later went on a separate family vacation to New York so that Anders could see the Statue of Liberty. I mostly-finished the first findings chapter of my dissertation, in the apartment in the Lower East Side, and in Central Park (instead of playing with my children). I made a third trip to New York to celebrate my PhD (child-free) with Sarah. Besides having an array of authentic human experiences including dancing, peeing in a restroom with a disco ball, ending up in a gay punk club, and making a Facebook Live video in Tompkins Square Park (so avant-garde), I went to MoMa and watched Nan Goldin’s 45 minute slide show, The Ballad of Sexual Dependency, twice in a row. It is my second favorite art exhibit ever, and the most genius part of the entire situation is that the room is pitch black so no one can see all the snot running down your face when they, of all things, eat cake.
Finally, I went to Washington and Oregon, for the first time. I loved every single second, although it was really hard to consciously choose working over every instinct I had telling me to screw that and go explore. I actually accomplished a ton while I was there, in a way that retrospectively makes me feel very proud, actually. It was, perhaps, eight days of living the way I ideally would have liked the entire dissertation process to go. Write in a coffee shop here, have an epiphany there, visit a forest, go be a rock star at night. I spent a whole day in my apartment in Seattle nailing down the argument of my second findings chapter/conference presentation, and visited the Space Needle when I was done. I ate a seven layer bar (winky winky) and pizza with my cohort and assorted other awesome people at The Crocodile, where such musical greats as Nirvana and Biffy Clyro have performed. I worked on my methodology section at The Evergreen State College, which as far as I’m concerned means Rock Star by Hole is about me too. I had a magical journey with Pink Floyd (winky winky) in my yurt. Oh my gosh I loved the yurt. I went to Neumos and Gasworks Park and the rose garden and Powell’s books and the original Voodoo Donuts. I need to go back to the Pacific Northwest ASAP and STAT.
7. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Balance and a sense of rootedness in myself
8. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
December 7 is the day I officially, finally, really, in every single way, finished my PhD.
9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definitely this ;)
10. What was your biggest failure?
I had a lot of meltdowns, some of which were merited, many of which were absolutely not.
11. Did you suffer illness or injury?
As previously mentioned, I was very ill in Florida.
12. What was the best thing you bought?
An octopus hair clip. I made a terrible decision regarding bangs earlier this summer.
13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The Cubs?
14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The alt-right. I am appalled and depressed and saddened and sickened and frustrated beyond measure that their discourse has democratically prevailed (KIND OF. They didn’t win the popular vote.)
15. Where did most of your money go?
Probably California
16. What did you get really, really excited about?
I was actually really excited to do my dissertation defense. It felt like an impossible goal for so long, and it was, truly a triumphant moment for me. There were a lot of moments and milestones that happened in rapid succession from late October to early December: getting a date for the defense, finishing writing the first draft, doing my defense, finishing the final draft, and receiving the official letter that I did, in fact, do it.
17. What song will always remind you of 2016?
Avant Gardener by Courtney Barnett
Pedestrian at Best by Courtney Barnett
feed me by so pitted
California by Grimes
Unknown Road by Pennywise
YOU CAN’T FIRE ME I QUIT!!! by Tacocat
Hold Up by Beyonce
Delilah by The Dresden Dolls
Rock Star by Hole
I Don’t Want to Be Funny Anymore by Lucy Dacus
Creepy Girl by Daddy Issues
Back in the Ring by Chris Pureka
Cupid by The Big Moon
COMBAT ROCK by Sleater-Kinney, which is an eerily poignant song for the current moment in history.
18. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
Honestly, probably happier, even though that seems extremely counterintuitive given the forthcoming doom.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, by a wide margin. Get it? WIDE! Hahaha. (But no, really.)
iii. richer or poorer? Richer
19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Fall activities, having a social life, spending time with my family, all the stuff I had to give up to finish my dissertation.
20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Lying in bed emotionally paralyzed
21. How did you spend Christmas?
I was at my parents’ house. We had a very straightforward Christmas, although I was extraordinarily underprepared for the entire situation. Basically, the day completely snuck up on me because I was too busy celebrating my successes in life.
22. What did you dress up as for Halloween?
I was Louise Belcher from Bob’s Burgers because I already had all the pieces and I didn’t have time to be anything else. I would have been a Pokemon Jynx if I had more time.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Oh, you think I ENJOYED tv this year? That’s cute. TV is already a pretty low priority for me, and I definitely didn’t carve out time for that this year. I watched the following television programs: the DNC, the first presidential debate, the VP debate, and Orange is the New Black. I LEGIT had a complete emotional shut down over all of these programs, perhaps most of all when they destroyed the garden in OITNB. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I literally didn’t watch any tv after that. Once I finished my dissertation, I watched Stranger Things so I could understand what was such a big deal with those Christmas lights.
24. Who was the best person you met this year?
I don’t believe in hierarchies.
25. What was the best book you read?
During my dissertation, I started listening to audiobooks to help me fall asleep. Hannah Hart’s book Buffering touched me deeply. It might be serving, in combination with my own life experiences, as the inspiration for my future life path. I also listened to Amy Poehler’s book Yes Please, which DID NOT help me fall asleep but did help me feel like I had a kindred spirit in the awful awful process of writing a major manuscript.
26. What were your greatest musical discoveries?
I had very little time for musical discoveries. Some new bands I listened to this year included So Pitted, Daddy Issues, and Childbirth (which is a sort of a Tacocat side project). A lot of the songs listed above are by new artists who I intend to explore further. I saw this British band called The Vaccines at Boston Calling. They were in the general thread of what I think I would have once absolutely swooned over, and the girl standing next to me LOST HER SHIT in a way that was absolutely much more amusing than the actual band performance. It was like, oh…so this is what I look like when I’m a sobbing crying hysterical Beatlemania-like disaster. It was a very introspective experience. Then I felt old, but in a way I can accept. British men are so three years ago in my life. I listen almost entirely to angry feminists now. It is what it is.
27. What did you want and get?
A PhD
28. What did you want and not get?
I wanted Donald Trump to face a humiliating, devastatingly embarrassing loss in the presidential election, to show him and all misogynist racist xenophobes that they are not in control and they do not have power.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Lobster. This movie made me sob profusely. GSF forever.
I also very much liked Arrival because for once it was acknowledged that having the ability to communicate is more important than having the biggest weapons.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I’m pretty sure I wrote all day. On the Friday before, Eliot and I had a date at the ICA, and the Saturday before, I had dinner with my parents. I was 35.
31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A Snorlax
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
For the first half of the year, hippie punk. Ask me about my intensely expanded band tee shirt collection. For the dissertation writing portion of the year, I rocked the hot mess, give-no-fucks, yes-I’ve-worn-this-hoodie-three-days-in-a-row look. It’s a massive achievement that I brushed my hair during that period. For the last month, I have been gradually trying to get my style groove back, and I feel so much better, honestly. Bring on the glitter eyeshadow!
33. What kept you sane?
Oh, I wasn’t sane, even a little bit, and I had the absolute worst sleep schedule imaginable. When I was in a state of panic about my dissertation, I unleashed a strict regimen of lavender bath bombs, lavender lotion, sleeping crystals, audio books, and meditation. I still had nights where I was in bed for nine hours and only slept for three, while I listened to Amy Poehler discuss how she too finds it impossible to sleep. For breaks during my dissertation, I played Pokemon Go, Inside Out Thought Bubbles, and Neko Atsume Kitty collector, which were both mindless but also not *that* addictive. These things made me just barely functional enough to survive.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Courtney Barnett, in every sense of the word.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Misogyny, xenophobia, homophobia, gun violence, fear, white supremacy, Pulse Nighclub shootings, Aleppo, Black Lives Matter, oil pipelines, the destruction of community gardens, community ownership of land, racism, the power of elite stakeholders in urban development decisions, prisons, grabbing women by the pussy, bad hombres, the STUPID ASS WALL. Pretty much my life was nothing but political strife, all day, every day.
36. What bands did you see in concert this year?
-So Pitted, Bully, Metz at The Sinclair
-Muse at TD Bank Garden
-Mini Dresses, Boyfriends, and Tacocat at the Middle East
-The Joy Formidable at The Paradise
-TSOL and Pennywise at The Observatory, San Diego
-Sufjan Stevens, Sia (who only played Chandelier once), Lizzo, The Vaccines (lol), Courtney Barnett, Elle King, Janelle Monae, and Haim at Boston Calling, City Hall Plaza
-Youth Code and Baroness at the Royale
-Of Monsters and Men and Florence and the Machine at Great Woods
-Dungen at the Sinclair
-Bearstronaut at The Sinclair
-Seth Boggart and The Julie Ruin at The Sinclair
-White Lung at Brighton Music Hall
-The Dead Deads, Chevelle (who I mostly ignored to catch Pokemon and text people), and Bush at Blue Hills Bank Pavilion
-I went to something called a “Hempfest Afterparty” at Neumos in Seattle.
-I also went to Doug Fir Lounge in Portland, where I saw some local bands
-PWR BTTM and The Dresden Dolls, at Blue Hills Bank Pavilion
-Yairms, Dude York, and Tacocat (again!!!!), at Great Scott
-I was supposed to see The Pretty Reckless as something of a dissertation completion celebration, but the show was postponed.
-I was supposed to see Chastity Belt and So Pitted in Euguene Oregon but I had to make a sacrifice to the dissertation gods.
37. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Seeing a wild manatee in Florida, a dream I’ve had since I was 10. Hitting the send button on the final version of my dissertation, a more important dream I’ve had since I was 24.
38. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
When I was watching Stephen Colbert on election night, and he couldn’t make jokes, and it felt like the world was unraveling because, well, it might have been.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
Being avant-garde is primarily about what you create. It takes a lot of grit and determination, and it isn’t all poignant experiential art projects and deep conversations on a bean bag in the back of a graffiti covered DIY venue.
I am terrified of being vulnerable, to an extent I never quite realized previously. Even though vulnerability is scary, it is vital for a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that people have different skills than I do is not threatening; I can learn so much from other people when I open myself up to the idea of collaboration rather than competition.
No matter how inconvenient feelings are, you can’t turn them off, and it’s better to face them directly rather than trying to avoid them.
Some cliches related to perseverance: never give up, even when everything seems hopelessly impossible. Pain is temporary; pride is forever. The only way out is through. The best dissertation is a done dissertation.
This might be less of a lesson from this year and more of a mantra for next year, but basically I have given a great deal of thought to the idea that people are afraid of losing their freedom, humanity, security, economic stability, and peace, which are all necessary for joy. We are afraid of losing the potential to be happy, thriving human beings. And so, until World War 3 begins, or I’m directly witnessing a hate crime, or the entire water supply of the US dries up because Trump just doesn’t give a fuck about environmental regulation, the best resistance against a rhetoric of fear and hatred is to create an atmosphere of love and tolerance and laughter, at every level of human interaction.
40. Quote some song lyrics that sum up your year:
(Arranged thematically, by me. Special thanks to Sleater-Kinney, Courtney Barnett, Tacocat, Nele Needs a Holiday, Courtney Barnett again, The Pretty Reckless, The Dresden Dolls, Daddy Issues, Hole, and Palma Violets)
We’ll come out with our fists raised
The good old boys are back on top again
And if we let them lead us blindly
The past becomes the future once again
The nice lady next door talks of green beds
And all the nice things she wants to plant in them
I wanna grow tomatoes on the front steps
Sunflowers, bean sprouts, sweet corn and radishes
I feel pro-active I pull out weeds
All of a sudden I’m having trouble breathing in
The world is a hive. Work hard until you die
But who is a queen and is it worth the brave routine
Well I went to university and I read a book or two
I can lard any conversation with quotes by Sartre or Camus
But being Simone de Beauvoir doesn’t get you very far
In spite of all the things you know you’re better off Brigitte Bardot
Cause no matter how intelligent you are they can’t see that on the other side of the bar
Guess my entire education is in vain
I must confess I’ve made a mess of what should be a small success
But I digress, at least I tried my very best I guess
Don’t try for perfect, it’s never enough.
There’s no end to the love you can give when you change your point of view to underfoot.
Very good. You may be flat but you’re breathing.
Went up, set up, where a wig. It’s pink and it just fits.
The cats don’t judge me for it. Will you?
I went to school in Olympia. Everyone’s the same.
All my friends were there and all of the garden birds.
