July 29th Resolutions

TFW you keep trying to write a blog post, realize, "OMG, I can't put this on the Internet!" Cut and paste into personal files, then repeat.

This December, I will be done with graduate school, either with or without a PhD.  The university will not grant me any more time, and to be fair, they really shouldn't grant me any more time.  I will have been in graduate school for 11 1/2 years at that point, and that just isn't reasonable, even with all the valid and non-valid excuses that made me arrive at this point.  To say that I have high levels of anxiety about finishing my dissertation on time would be the understatement of the century.  Lately, on top of anxiety related to graduate school, I have also been literally panicked about the idea that Donald Trump could be the president.  Here are some examples of counterproductive ways I have handled this situation, ranked roughly from most to least problematic:

1.  Sleeping during very inappropriate hours, like a West Coast rock star
2.  Alcohol
3.  Yelling at people/making snide remarks
4.  Complaining about graduate school incessantly on Facebook
5.  Staying up all night watching YouTube videos about the process of getting a tattoo
6.  Shopping for things I really only marginally "need"...the time suck aspect of this activity far outweighs the financial aspect.  I am notorious for bring twelve things with me into the dressing room, spending 45 minutes thinking about them, and leaving with nothing.
7.  Pokemon Go and other outings such as museum trips and rock shows (I rank these activities as least problematic because they kind of fall under the categories of exercise/parenting/The Julie Ruin was so worth it)

If Donald Trump is elected, I feel like there's a fair chance I am just going to completely shut down at the absolute worst time for me to shut down, dissertation wise.  Yes, I have made it through graduate school under some fairly horrific conditions, shoving down emotions, writing papers in between puking, giving presentations on zero hours of sleep, getting what I needed to done because, much like neoliberal capitalism, There Is No Alternative. In the famous words of Kimbra (in the Gotye song), I don't want to live that way.  And so, tonight, as I was listening to Hillary's speech, I determined that it would be supremely cool to defend my dissertation on November 8 at 10am, go vote for a woman president (vague), and THEN deal with whatever happens.  That's a great story, and I'm all about the great stories.  It might not go down exactly like that, but how cool would it be if it did?!

Anyway, tonight I had one of those come-to-Jesus moments, where it really sunk in that, if I stand any chance at all of completing my dissertation, I need to focus intensely, starting now.  And so, I am creating some resolutions, in effect until the day I am done with graduate school:

1.  I need to start writing every day at 10am.  While I realize that this may not seem very early to some people, this is a regular person West Coast time zone, and it is my most natural time zone.  There's no reason to fight nature on this one, folks.  (There is also no point in attempting to be on some type of holier than thou East Coast early bird time because I will be returning to the West Coast in two weeks.)
2.  I'm cutting out 100% of alcoholic beverages.  This may seem like an extreme measure, and I have these grand notions that, as an intellectual, like Amanda Palmer, I can go to bars and sit there and order red wine and write, alone around people because that's how I like it. In reality, if I drink I a) don't work and b) am later hungover (or at least groggy) and continue to not work (often because I am sleeping).  In other words, drinking takes a lot of time. I don't have time.  It's not worth it.  I will miss you, cava, but we will reunite again very soon!
3.  As far as my relationships go, I'm sorry that I've been dramatic and uncool lately.  I really like people. I haven't really seen or interacted with most people other than my immediate family and the people in my writing group, possibly in weeks.  I do not like this.  I have at least six separate social arrangements that I really want to make but I'm like, I just don't know if I can.  I certainly can do ONE; I probably shouldn't do six.  I am bad at prioritizing.  I am sorry.  Please still be my friend in six months even if I can't talk to you right now.  I'll try to stop being a brat.
4.  Complaining on the Internet while I do work has been a part of my workflow that likely dates back to the moment I first signed onto AIM.  This is probably an immature habit that I should drop now that I am 35.  Okay, good.
5.  I'm not getting a tattoo before my PhD.  A celebratory PhD tattoo, on the other hand, might be a thing.  Consider the issue shelved.  No more YouTube videos on the topic.
6.  I mean, I don't even like shopping. It makes me so cranky.  I am sure I can consolidate necessary errands better and wait to make all my unnecessary purchases on Boxing Day, the way Canadian God intended.
7.  I will only go to the concerts to which I already have tickets.  I will not buy tickets to random concerts in the fall; if I buy any more concert tickets, they will only be for Really Big Deal Concerts (TM), like Nele Needs a Holiday US Tour level big deal.
8.  My one fall activity will be the Renaissance Faire, and pending the status of my dissertation progress, I might break the drinking rule on that day, and that day alone.
9.  I'm switching to clear finger nail polish until the PhD is achieved.  Toenail polish is substantially less high maintenance, so I see no point at this time driving myself crazy with unpainted toes.